lulapoppyfields

I think I'm going to try to quit smoking.  As I'm writing this I'm rolling a smoke so maybe I should say I'm going to start off cutting down BIG TIME and then eventually quit.  It's too much money.  And I had to run for the train, which i missed anyways, and I felt like I was going to puke!  I know its affecting my health.  I get bronchitis & sinus infections or pneumonia at least a couple times a year.  And it makes me smell badly.  But I like smoking sometimes.  I've been smoking for more than half my life...  This is gonna be a tough one. 

i have "Have to Drive" stuck in my head.  what do you think the lyrics mean?  i can think of lots of interpretations but i'd like to hear yours.

I really have no idea what I'm doing anymore....who I can believe in, who I can trust, can I even trust myself? Spent time with 2 members of my family yesterday. It was fine. But from last Thursday up until yesterday morning there were incessant phone calls and negativity thrown at me like a 95 mph fastball....and I absorbed it and it hurt just as much. panic attacks galore. i don't know what to do anymore. i don't even know who i am, most of the time. Am I damaged goods, my soul, my very essence, ruined forever? Can I actually break through my eye and perceive things differently than I used to? Can I actually let go of things and forgive myself? I don't know. I hope so. I've been craving stability for most of my life and havent had a lot of it. Unconditional love too. I really hope it exists.